what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
