I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
