just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Two words: blizzard sex
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
