you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
