I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Dick very happy bro
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
