so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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