Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Randomize
