I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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