The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I checked into jail on foursquare
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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