i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Randomize
