did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
