so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
