Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
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