i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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