i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
