Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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