She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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