My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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