i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
