I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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