im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
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