He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I had to cum in my sink.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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