I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
