I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
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