i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
