My room smells like vodka and shame
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
