Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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