john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
