Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
