How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Randomize
