my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
