On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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