Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
