He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
