My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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