FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
