i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
