I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I love how my cats smell like pot.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I'm like, not good at living.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
