I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
