Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
