also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
