i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
