Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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