she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
