Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
