Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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