life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
