just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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