If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
