Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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