He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
